Nineteen

If someone asked me my age, I don't know what I'd say. Biologically, I just turned nineteen. Experience wise, I'd say I'm a solid twenty-five. Emotionally, I feel like I'm three. Just lovely.

In all honesty, I was pretty upset about turning nineteen. I think I nearly had a panic attack until I realized I should take a rain-check on the mid-life crisis. But, to get you on my mind set: I am living on my own and I don't have a job, I don't know what I want to do and I'm a wreck... At least my hair isn't turning grey. Point is, I feel like I'm nineteen going on forty and I don't handle stress well. So I took a deep breath and thought about the last year of my life. Let's start with my eighteenth birthday...

I lied. I don't remember it (GAH I'm already loosing my memory!). Just kidding... but seriously, I sadly don't remember it. A month after, I graduated from high school. I started keeping the laws of Tznius.  I had an amazing summer with the most amazing people doing crazy things. I worked at a farm, a mall, and a a local Hebrew School. I went to California on Heritage Retreats to learn Torah. I met Rabbi Refson and two-three weeks later I ended up moving to Israel to attend seminary. I started keeping Shabbos. I started to pray. I learned the brochos over my food. I learned how to read Rashi. I traveled and hiked Israel. I re-fell in love with my yiddishkeit. I committed myself to a life of Torah. I decided I wanted to serve Hashem. I grew up just a little more. I turned nineteen.

Once I took a deep breath and looked back at my year. I decided turning nineteen wasn't the end of the world. Eighteen was full of surprises and plot twists, but I see what I have accomplished and how I have grown. I literally see a Cinderella-worthy transformation and I am grateful to everyone who has helped me and encouraged me to grow.

In contrast to my foggy eighteenth birthday, I spent my nineteenth birthday in a completely different way. On both days, I had spent with close friends. But this year, I was in Eretz Yisroel. This year, I was religious. And ironically, this year, my English and Hebrew birthday fell on the same day signifying my transformation.

I went out with friends at night and woke up early the next morning to go to the Kotel. I spent my day in a blissful, spiritual state enjoying giving blessings and tzaddakah, in hopes of changing the world just a little bit. I talked to my friends and family and enjoyed all the facebook "congrats" while I cleaned up my room in preparation for Shabbos. My friends surprised me with a beautiful white Artscroll Tehillim book (to match my Siddur) with the most heartfelt inscription on the inside and my English/Hebrew name printed on the cover ("Rivkah Zissel Aviva"). Then, as the day got later, my seminary left to go to Moshav Matitiyahu where we welcomed in Shabbat, and I said goodbye to my birthday.

My nineteenth birthday was a mix of my spiritual and religious lives; and for some reason, I can't help but think that it represents what the next year will be for me: intertwining the two separate worlds I have created. I plan on trying to integrate my religious life with my secular one, instead of walking on the fine line between both worlds. And I guess I knew that line-walking had to come to an end eventually anyway. I'm just happy this year has provided me the foundation to do it in a sane and feasible way.

I have been blessed with so much this last year. I have had incredible people both come and, sadly, leave this year. I have had wonderful times and eye-opening experiences. I have journeyed miles and, Thank Gd, found Truth. I am so grateful for everything in my life, and I wish that you all, too, make the most out of your year and find direction and what your looking for!