A Thousand Words

Sometimes I'm not in the mood to write all about what I'm learning, but still want to express it:

"Kotel Cries" 

I was davening at the Kotel, for the fifth day in a row, during Sukkos. I got to the Shmona Esrei, and as I was enunciating the Hebrew at a painstakingly slow rate, a women right next to me began to bawl her eyes out. I was annoyed. I was trying to daven! I couldn't concentrate. Eventually, I took a breath to look up and saw a small, newborn's hand in the crying woman's hand.  She was touching and kissing the wall. She took her baby's hand and put it against the cold stone and brought it to the infant's lips. It was a really beautiful sight, so a few days or weeks later, I found myself drawing the scene. 

"Kiddush Hashem- Rabbi Mintz"

Sometimes you think so hard during the day, your mind wanders off. As this great Tzadik spoke to us on kiddush Hashem, I couldn't concentrate on his words, so instead my notes on the subject ended up being a portrait of him. Close enough,

"Stone Flag"

Doodle of the Israeli flag layered with the kotel, and the prayer you say at the Kotel.

"People are always looking for the city of Happiness, but don't realize it is a state of mind."

-Rav Pam

"Metallic Malach" Oil and sharpie on Canvas. 

Represents an angel with six arms and six (metallic) wings holding a baby and overseeing the world. If your interested in why this picture came to me... in class we were talking about the "creations of Gd." But I began to think... a robot is a creation of man, just like a child is a product of man... robots have no choice, while humans have freewill. So whose stronger, human or robot? This parallels to Gd's servants (the angels). Who runs the world? Man or the Metallic angels?

Eilat

I was at the top of a mountain, looking towards a crystal blue sky, and mountains towering over two cities nestled into the beaches of the Yam Suf (Red Sea). My feet stood in Israel, but I could see Jordan ten miles off to my left and Egypt two miles off to my right. In the distance, where the sky met the sea, I could make out red and brown mountains which were the tail of Saudi Arabia. Four countries in one sweeping panorama. Taken aback from the marvelous view, I glanced toward the sea. Even on the mountain top, I could see the edge of the coral reef, unhindered by the distance and water. The rippling in the water caused vast shades of cerulean blue to mingle until it faded into the same white as the sand underneath the edges of the beach. The hotels and buildings towered over the edges of the beaches, looking like they were going to join their patrons for a swim. As the clouds started to block the late morning sun, we started down the mountain where the borders of all the countries became larger and larger, and I was swimming in a sea of rocks and dust as the view slowly started to fade away.

The Family Wish-Wash

I keep my blog tab open on Safari, but recently (aka: the last two months of my disappearance act) I haven't had much I wanted to publicly say. A huge struggle with becoming religious is the family and friends that you've "left behind."

Not so long after my last blog, I got in a huge argument with my 'rents and siblings. It felt like my world was crashing. It's really hard to be a teenager who is struggling for independence... but also understanding. I even felt alienated from my older brother, who also became religious, because he doesn't get me either. People can look from the outside and have an idea of how you feel and why your doing what you do... but ultimately everybody carries their unique baggage from the past, and is on the walk alone.

Long story short, I got in a fight with my parents over university and independence. Nearly got disowned... religion took the back seat this time. And while we, B"H, fixed everything, it's has been a very "emotional" two months for me, trying to work out my past and get a gage on where I'm headed. The one thing I think people forget to tell the newly religious, is that in the end... it's not the people you can't touch or the food you can or cannot eat in your parents house that causes all the strife. It's the turmoil left inside from your past experiences.

You can never un-see that movie you once saw. You will never be able to take back your first kiss or your last words. You can never change what made you who you were. FFB (frum from birth) kids have an advantage of being sheltered from certain things and experiences (to a degree). And while I CANNOT believe the words "sheltered" and "advantage" just came in the same sentence, out of my own thoughts, I have realized a frustrating truth.

No once becomes religious because everything in their life makes sense or is going perfect. You don't fix what ain't broken. And I think that outside my curiosity, I was looking to fix things with my family. I've always been a truth seeker and quite frankly, all truth seekers are rebels. I had my secrets and mischievous shenanigans going on while growing up, outside of family turmoil. But now, as I have found a solid platform to base my life off of (Judaism) I have been fixing some unresolved consequences of my rebellious nature. But the baggage I buried was never actually "out of sight, out of mind."

A while back I blogged a post called, "You Don't Need Therapy, You Need Yeshiva."Now I'm eating my own words. Torah is all about improving ourselves and humanity. But in order to do any of it, you need to look inside yourself. You can't help your neighbor if you can't help yourself. You can't connect to Hashem, if you can't see His presence within you. So, now, in the month of February, the midpoint of my year, I have come to a place where I am no longer learning for learning's sake... I'm learning to improve the world.

I have been blessed to have made a stronger foundation for my future, and while mapping out and moving all these "building blocks" is a pain, I am so happy I have made it through the dark winter months. Tu B'shvat was today, and in the spiritual nature of the holiday, the lifeline ("sap") of the trees is equivalent to the lifeline and direction where we are headed for the entire year. A good rain during winter, provides a strong sap to get the trees going the rest of the year. And I have had a good wash out of the negative stuff during the winter, and during the month of Shevet (the "whipping rod" month) I'm starting to effectively change what I don't like and improve what I need to.

Hopefully, the last fifteen days of Shevet will also give you the push and shove where you need to go in life to reach your full potential. May this find you all in good health.