I keep my blog tab open on Safari, but recently (aka: the last two months of my disappearance act) I haven't had much I wanted to publicly say. A huge struggle with becoming religious is the family and friends that you've "left behind."
Not so long after my last blog, I got in a huge argument with my 'rents and siblings. It felt like my world was crashing. It's really hard to be a teenager who is struggling for independence... but also understanding. I even felt alienated from my older brother, who also became religious, because he doesn't get me either. People can look from the outside and have an idea of how you feel and why your doing what you do... but ultimately everybody carries their unique baggage from the past, and is on the walk alone.
Long story short, I got in a fight with my parents over university and independence. Nearly got disowned... religion took the back seat this time. And while we, B"H, fixed everything, it's has been a very "emotional" two months for me, trying to work out my past and get a gage on where I'm headed. The one thing I think people forget to tell the newly religious, is that in the end... it's not the people you can't touch or the food you can or cannot eat in your parents house that causes all the strife. It's the turmoil left inside from your past experiences.
You can never un-see that movie you once saw. You will never be able to take back your first kiss or your last words. You can never change what made you who you were. FFB (frum from birth) kids have an advantage of being sheltered from certain things and experiences (to a degree). And while I CANNOT believe the words "sheltered" and "advantage" just came in the same sentence, out of my own thoughts, I have realized a frustrating truth.
No once becomes religious because everything in their life makes sense or is going perfect. You don't fix what ain't broken. And I think that outside my curiosity, I was looking to fix things with my family. I've always been a truth seeker and quite frankly, all truth seekers are rebels. I had my secrets and mischievous shenanigans going on while growing up, outside of family turmoil. But now, as I have found a solid platform to base my life off of (Judaism) I have been fixing some unresolved consequences of my rebellious nature. But the baggage I buried was never actually "out of sight, out of mind."
A while back I blogged a post called, "You Don't Need Therapy, You Need Yeshiva."Now I'm eating my own words. Torah is all about improving ourselves and humanity. But in order to do any of it, you need to look inside yourself. You can't help your neighbor if you can't help yourself. You can't connect to Hashem, if you can't see His presence within you. So, now, in the month of February, the midpoint of my year, I have come to a place where I am no longer learning for learning's sake... I'm learning to improve the world.
I have been blessed to have made a stronger foundation for my future, and while mapping out and moving all these "building blocks" is a pain, I am so happy I have made it through the dark winter months. Tu B'shvat was today, and in the spiritual nature of the holiday, the lifeline ("sap") of the trees is equivalent to the lifeline and direction where we are headed for the entire year. A good rain during winter, provides a strong sap to get the trees going the rest of the year. And I have had a good wash out of the negative stuff during the winter, and during the month of Shevet (the "whipping rod" month) I'm starting to effectively change what I don't like and improve what I need to.
Hopefully, the last fifteen days of Shevet will also give you the push and shove where you need to go in life to reach your full potential. May this find you all in good health.
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