My heart was pounding; my breathing, heavy. I have been accepted to college. But, my head does not turn. Sure it's alluring, but my heart is still set on one place: Eretz Yisroel.
I have thought, no, agonized, over my decision of joining the army. I reluctantly withdrew my application from Garin Tzabar, convinced by my brother to learn Judaism in Seminary for the next year. I'll be in Jersualem (Baruch Hashem!); hopefully in Neve Yerushaliem. Here, I will learn my Jewish roots. But, I scream on the inside because I don't want to sit down behind safe walls. I want to stand up and fight for my protection. Fight for my homeland. Fight for my people. Instead, I'm going to learn. Learn about my people. Learn for the sake of my people. I'm keeping the Jewish conscience fresh in my mind, alive in every breath.
Does this mean I'm going to become orthodox, wear a skirt, have six kids, and be essentially a house wife? This is an extremely difficult question to combat. Not only because I'm aware this question is loaded, but because there is no answer. My closest friends call me a hippie "peacenik," but recognize my unyielding passions, which stir rebellion sometimes. So... yeah, I'm a little rebellious (okay... really rebellious), but while my stubbornness gets me into trouble, it has also opened myself up to many opportunities. I fell in love with Israel and have been determined to return (even though it is against my parents wishes.) By returning to my home, I'll be growing into the person I truly want to be... But ORTHODOXY? Really, Bekah?
Last night, I was having a... well, a melt-down essentially. I was thinking about my yearning for Israel, my pride for Tzahal, my curiosity for Jewish knowledge, and the reality and practicality of college at this junction in my life. So many options for such an indecisive person! So I called my big brother. I don't like asking him for advice or anything (running to my big brother always seemed slightly cliche and immature), but I needed a clear point of view from someone who has walked in my shoes. He said something of unmeasurable value to me. He said, "What does the Israeli army need another pair of boots for? You'll probably end up being a desk jockey because of your lack of Hebrew skills. And besides do you want to hold a gun?" Maybe not so encouraging in retrospect, but he was trying to give me a reality check before the army could. He went on to talk about how badly he wished to join the Israeli army. How much he wanted to do the same thing as me. But he said, in the end, being essentially forced into college by our parents, he's become a better soldier. He is shomer mitzvos. He is a Jewish student, and a Jewish educator. He is a supporter of Eretz Israel. My brother is a Jewish Soldier.
Do I want to be a Jewish soldier? Yes. Yes a hundred times over. Maybe a skirt isn't my style... but I want to keep the Jewish conscience alive. And more than that, my image of Israel was never the beach and bars. For some reason, while most people look at Israel for a nice "jewish vacation spot," I saw Israel as the land of my people. I imagined back breaking labourers under the swelling sun, literally, physically, building our land up to Hashem. Trying not to give the false impression of the Tower of Babel, I see the land as a way to elevate ourself.
Now, I know being an orthodox woman does not entail my "having six kids and being a house wife," despite my jest. I say that because that's how my other Jewish friends see it. Ironically, none of my non-Jewish friends have that stigma, but that's an enigma to me. But, down to the finite, I just don't know how to go about this all. I am first and foremost trying to be a soldier in the Jewish Army. But does that entail becoming "orthodox?" And, any way, can't I still be a soldier in the Israeli army, too? I know that for the most part, they don't accept religion, but that doesn't deter me from wanting to fight for my land. Maybe I'll stick to studying in my safe building and letting the "boots" defend it... but I'm not sure how long it will take for me to get so restless behind safe walls that I go grab a gun... But, as I think about this more... maybe I will first reach for the plow shed.
