Be Strong -יום הזכרון; Be Happy - יום העצמאות‎

 I know this is an interesting topic to approach post-becoming religious, but taboo seems to be my forte: Israel the State.

I may be a Torah-observant Jew living in a Haraedi neighborhood, called Har Nof, but I am still an avid supporter of the State of Israel. While my allegiance is to Hashem and I will always, always put Ertetz Yisroel above the state, I do not keep it a secret I wish to make political and religious Aliyah. I would like to be an Israeli Jew, not an American one. What does this mean, and why do I bring it up? 

As my dad always told me, "Don't forget America is the greatest country in the world." And to him, I have always replied, "I know." Because, in fact, I believe America is the greatest country in the world for civil liberties, human rights, and standard of living (see, this even PROVES I was born and bred American, haha). However, I am a Jew.  I am a Torah-observant Jew. I don't belong in America and, frankly, I believe too many people have become comfortable with their dusty suitcases by the door. Their grandchildren come to the house asking what the suitcase is for, while the owners of the bag have long forgotten what "exile" means. And while the dream is to return to Eretz Yisroel in the time of the Moshiach, I don't like pushing things off. I am a procrastinator. Maybe means no, and soon means never. I will not "maybe" go when the Moshiach comes knocking at my door. I will not tell him, "give me a minute, I'll be there soon." I'll be waiting for him at his house... knocking on his door. In the meanwhile, I will live in Israel the State enjoying my protection, benefits, and democracy. Eretz Yisroel is great, and I believe the State of Israel is the next best thing (right now) to the Moshiach... but why bring this all up? I will not only enjoy benefiting from living in Israel, I will enjoy serving it too. 

Yom Hazikaron was a very moving day for me. It took a lot of strength not to cry during a Masa presentation at the Latrun, where the families of soldiers and victims of terror were telling the stories of their lost love ones. It brought back a very familiar situation for me two years ago, when I was last in Israel for my first Yom Hazikaron. I have excerpt my blog post from that experience below, but first I'd like to preface it.

I want to bring in my blog from two... has it already been three years? Three years ago, because my views on personal loss have not changed. When I had written this blog, I had just lost a close friend from America, and connected my personal loss to the families of fallen soldiers and terror. But, I not only wished to express my shared pain in loss. I also wanted to share my envy of the soldiers' sacrifice for what they believed in. I suppose I had been reading too many romantic novels at the time... about dying for what you love. But even now, I believe when you are willing to live in Eretz and Medinat Israel... and serve Am Israel... and even die for it... you had truly lived for your ideals. And that is the something I respect and envy.

     I wouldn't call it the happiest day out of the year, although we should be celebrating life of soldiers that we knew,  or we wish we knew. The feeling of mourning still hanging in the stale air, no matter how many years has past since independence, and how many tears have been passed through our eyes...       The night was filled with tears and sorrow. John came back to me today. His death hadn't yet become a reality for me, but at the graves of the fallen, his smile came flooding back to me. His life had become a memory. These tekesim might have been about fallen soldiers, but I couldn't stop crying for my own personal loss. I held back tears thinking about John. I held them back as best I could.     I thought about the envy I felt for Israelis during this day. They all know someone who has died fighting for their country. This makes their connection with Israel written in blood. Those who lost a family member (son, brother, daughter, sister, husband, wife) buried their roots in the ground. How, how, how can I envy them? I have just lost a dear friend, and I cannot fathom even this loss, and to imagine... Envy? This is a very twisted reality in which we live, but it is true. I feel such deep sorrow for the lives lost, and for the family members. Can sense be made out of what I am saying?      I used to wish that I knew what loss felt like, that way I knew how to appreciate and understand when someone else goes through the same. So I could help comfort. I now know loss and I hate it. I hate the feeling of nothingness in your stomach, the lightness of my head, the heavy weight on my shoulders, the screaming inside my mind, the whimpers streaming our of my eyes accompanied by tears. Envy? Do I envy this feeling, so I can understand what it means to be physically tied with the land? Yes, yes I do. But, at the same time, when will I be able to share with you that a lost friend, a lost family member, is loosing a piece of yourself? A piece never to be replaced, damned to stay empty forever.      I can see myself serving my country. I can see myself loosing friends, and Gd forbid my family. I can see it. I can see me in a parallel dimension. These services might have not meant so much to the other kids on EIE, but for sure it meant the world to me. I know loss. He wasn't a soldier, but he was a friend. I thought about him during the service, and cried for him too. I have a mission to accomplish in Israel. I really believe I do. This felt like phase one. Only the beginning.     The importance of serving in the army has infiltrated my mind. From gadna, instilling my pride, and Jewish History, instilling my knowledge and history, today was a day for the dark underbelly of reality. What was the cost of my country? These soldiers, who were children. What, two, three, some four years older than I? The last 18 days have had me consistently thinking, what if I died? It's not a scary thought, because everyone does eventually... but it came down to the, "So what? It's one life out of many." I want to make a difference. An impact, and share my message. I don't care if I'm forgotten, I just want to live life, not let it pass by. Does that mean to do the normal things people do? Go to college, partying it up, forgetting that there is more life outside my window? Does it mean working mindlessly in an office to support a family that may or may not hold through years of wear and tear? What is life about? It's a question up for opinion... but it has been ringing in my ears with death larking behind, in the shadows of my mind. What is MY opinion, on how MY life should be led? I think I know what I want to do. I think I know how I want to help. But at the same time, I don't want to be one life out of many. I'd sacrifice my life for my country... but the question is would I be loosing a life of value, or of absent mindlessness? What does true sacrifice mean? What am I willing to risk?     Be strong, was the words of Yom Hazikaron, and be happy are the words of tonight. Sunset ended Memorial Day, and started Independence Day. Yom Ha'tzmeut, the day we got our country. 61 years ago, I got a homeland, other than the one I was born into. My country, my home. I will probably talk more about it tomorrow night, but for right now all I can think about is what was this day worth? Were the lives lost worth it? I believe so, but at the same time I always thought the people made the land holy, not the land making the people as such. When will Israel stop sacrificing its children's blood for survival? When?

I am looking at this, reading and rereading it again. I silently laugh, realizing that this is a peice of the puzzle that led me to end up where I am now: religious in Jerusalem. I now have a few friends in the Israeli Army, who are living my words, sharing my thoughts from the quoted blog.  But after a lot of thinking, I answered my very own question and decided I won't let my life pass me by. I won't be another kid "partying it up" in college and "forgetting life outside my window." I will live my life to the fullest and have the most meaning. However... man plans and Gd laughs. I did not make alyiah (though I still plan on doing so) and did not join the Israeli Army. I became religious and came back to Israel to go to seminary...

Today, my Main goal is to serve Gd. Yet, I would still like to serve Israel the State. The army is no longer a suitable environment for me, however, I plan on serving the country in other ways. I intend to participate in Sheruit Leumi (NAtional Service) and help the country of Israel by working with the people of Israel. But to put my plans aside... the reason I bring up my love for GD and my love for the State od Israel, is because of Yom Hazikaron, Rememberance Day. On this day I remember why I am proud to have a home in Eretz Yisroel. On this day, I am proud to have a home in the State of Israel, where my brothers and sisters are proud and willing to protect our nation. I am proud on this day to be apart of this nation. On this day, I am proud to be a Jew. And one day, I will be proud to be an Israeli Orthodox Jew living in my homeland, serving my Gd and my people.