Mother: It's so good to have you home, Rebekah! I missed you so much!
I cringe. When was the last time someone called me by that name? I have gotten so used to Aviva...
Father: So, did they brainwash you? He laughs a tremendous, half-serious laugh. How was it? What did you learn?
I'll take a moment to think... or at least pretend to think, after all I have been preparing for this moment the moment I stepped off the plane in Israel, ten months back.
Me: What did I learn? Well... I learned a whole bunch of things...
And that's the moment I realize that sounds no good. I try again.
Me: I mean... I learned Torah, Mishna, Pirke Avos, Halacha, Chassidus and some Kabbalah.
I pause again, I'm not sure they have any idea what half that stuff means. If they have even heard of it, I'm not sure they understand what it's all about.
I can see my mom nodding with a polite smile and return to what ever work she was doing upstairs.
Me: Well, I guess what I really learned was... Hm. I didn't really learn.. Well...
Again I pause... I can't BELIEVE I have been preparing for this moment for ten months and am still caught without an answer!
I close my eyes in a brief moment of meditation. I open them.
Me: Dad, it was a very interesting year. I'm sure you think that they brainwashed me, or that I joined a cult...
Those two terms, yuck! "Brainwash" and "cult" have swirled around in in my parents vernacular ever since my brother became religious, and then when I was soon to follow. Apparently a lot of secular Jews and non-Jews honestly believe that we all have been "brainwashed" to join a "cult" with the rise of the Baalei Teshuva movement... there is no point arguing semantics *sigh* a 4,000 year-old religion is not a cult.
Me: I mean, you may think that I've joined a cult and been brainwashed... but I think I've figured it out.
He is wearing an amused look.
Me: You know when you get a headache and you know something is just not right? Then you take off your glasses and stop straining your eyes. Finally, you realize your glasses no longer work right? That you may be seeing the world a little fuzzy?
Father: Yea?
Me: Well, you go to Moshe!
Ironically, Moshe was the first Orthodox Jew I came in "contact" with (teehee). He is my family's ophthalmologist...
Me: Moshe will put that big thing in front of your face and ask, "one, two or three, four?" until you can see the world clearer. That was this year for me. I haven't changed... not really anyway. The only thing I have done was fix my prescription. I fixed some of my near-sightedness. I know I may do a lot of things that are different from when I left, but it's not because I was brainwashed. I just started to see the world a little more clearly.
Not bad, I think to my self. Uh-oh... he's giving me that look. That you-are-out-of-your-mind look. This is my chance, if not now... never. What do I do? Panic mode!
Me: You know... I have been struggling with a lot of things about becoming religious... It's not easy one bit. Yea, I know there are a lot of laws and things that I now keep, that I didn't last year... but it has nothing to do with that, per say. It's not keeping the Torah and it's laws that is hard.
He's raising his eyebrows... is he interested or is he mocking me? Oh, I don't know! Deep breath!
Me: The fuzzy line I once stood on, during high school, is now clear to me, and I realized I'm not on it, I have actually crossed it. This line is my morals and ethics. The hard part about this journey is realizing I may have been wrong. In fact, I was wrong! Once I thought I was alright to do stupid things, like be condescending and disrespectful to you and Mom, however justified I felt. But, this also goes for keeping Shabbos. At one point I thought it didn't matter and now I realized it does! All of this matters a lot! I need to do both...
Alright, Viv's, VivaLaVida (as my roommate calls me), Aviva, Bek, Bekah, Rebekah... make this a conversation he will remember. Try and take away as many doubts as possible. Show him your not any more out of your mind then when you left....
Me: This year has been about seeing the world more clearly. And I have been struggling to change accordingly. I'm not any more perfect than when I left... as in, I'll never be. But, I'm trying my best now. This year, I didn't learn Torah, Mishna, Pirke Avos, Halacha, Chassidus and some Kabbalah... I learned a new way of thinking... a new way of problem solving. I have gained a new skill in critical thinking and analyzing and asking the right questions. I learned what I believe to be moral and ethical behavior, as well as what is appropriate and further, what is appropriate as a Jew. I know we disagree on what the Universal Truth is... but that's okay. You should be proud of me... I'm doing the best I can... Im trying... I'm growing... I'm living my dreams... I'm living the best way I know how...
Deep breath. I suck the air in through my mouth and exhale through my nose. Repeat. My eyes are shut tight. Repeat, in... out. In, out.
I stop pacing. I open my eyes. My legs are sore, I must of been pacing my Neve dorm room for at least 45 minutes. I wonder what time it is, but I have no clocks in my room. I can't check my phone for the time, it's still Shabbos. I wonder what my mom and dad are doing. I make a mental note to call them after Havdalah.
I wonder how my father would of taken that conversation. I mean... I wasn't really talking to him. Well, maybe just a little bit. As I paced around my room his image wasn't the only one I was talking to. I saw my closest friends back from Eisner (the Reform Summer camp I attended). I saw all my old buddies from NFTY. I saw the various people I may run into from EIE (my semester in Israel program). I saw the Rabbis of the various Reform and Conservative shuls I once attended. I saw my high school friends. I saw myself at sixteen. I was talking to all of them... all of them theoretically, of course...
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