HAPPY NEW YEAR! L'SHANA TOVA! It's officially 5772, and I'm already wiped out.
The machzorim were all in Hebrew. In fact, if it wasn't for learning my aleph-beis (Hebrew alphabet), I wouldn't even know which siddur-looking book WAS the machzor. And the women sat up in the top balcony. This neither worried me or made me uncomfortable, except for the fact there were only a handful of women and dozens of men. In fact, it was only the scarcity of women is what made me uncomfortable. But all-in-all, this was the place out of all Rosh Hashanah I felt most comfortable. No worrying about if I was dressed properly, no need to wonder if I was breaking halacha. Just me in a room with Hashem. Mano y Mano as I joked around with my Israeli friends coming out of shul.
I tried praying by the book, though my Hebrew is quite timid. And as the short one-hour-or-so service seemed to drone on, with me in the dust, I just decided to talk to Gd. So there I stood. Black long sleeves to my wrists, a purple and black dress dropping off below my waste to below my knees. Uncomfortable, unfamiliar, stockings hugging my legs. Black, sued shoes protecting my feet. I fit in pretty well (well, aside from the pierceings and short hair). But, what made me stick out this time, was none of that. It was the fact I was in my own little bubble talking to Gd, in English, under my breath as my face contorted with regret and hope and a vast closet of emotions that normally don't come out with prayer. Eyes shut tight, I wonder what a King would think of such rambling. After all, Hashem Hamelech, The King. And there I stood on his coronation day, asking for my Gd to be my King, while simultaneously admitting confusion and blindness, and asking for light. It was an extremely meaningful day to me, but I can't say it wasn't difficult or confusing.
Shabbos, that followed, came in and out. I was tired of trying to figure out halacha I had no idea about. And I was just tired of holidays. I made it through, not in grace, but in struggle and on Saturday night I went home to my bed. Sitting there, waiting for my roommates, reflecting on the experience, one of my madrichot (counselor/dorm-mother/helper/friend) came into my room to see what was up. I told her I had a nice break (because being with people I love and know is always pleasant despite typical struggles). Here, she informed me of half day classes on the next day because of the Fast of Gedaliah. You want to make a Baalat Teshuva cry? Put two hagim and a fast day in a row. Especially when she is new to shabbos to begin with. I was basically mortified. Way too much for me. Overwhelming. But, I made it through the fast in one piece and am sitting writing this alive and well B"H. I suppose Hashem doesn't give you more than you can deal with... but boy can someone's breaking point be centimeters away from where they are pushed.
After saying that, this may come as a crazy surprise: I'm also having a hard time with school because I don't find it challenging enough. Here's my reasoning: life is hard, school is not. Let me explain... the only way I can deal with life is if I'm well prepaired in school and other forms of education. I feel like I'm having such a hard time living a Jewish life is because I have yet to learn how to do it. Luckily, B"H, I ran into a wonderful girl who shares a class with me and also thinks a lot like me. We are both very intellectual and when it comes to classes we want straight up truth. We are emotional, love gushy stuff, adore kittens and boys... but when it comes to our education we want to learn solid fact and truth and don't want teacher's biases blocking us from learning material. In better words, we are analytical and want text-and-source-based curriculum. She is a year older than me, with a much stronger Jewish background than me, and is in a completely different type of program. But to meet someone who has the same independent academic learning style I was extremely impressed and pleased to have picked up some good learning habits from her. And this also helped perpetuate an idea I couldn't previously express during another class.
As I was describing my opinions about they type of learning we were doing, all the other girls said what I viewed as a negative (less text-based learning) as their reason for going to Michlelet Esther in the first place. But, I was frustrated because they could of chose a multitude of seminaries where I got two main choices coming from no Jewish background: Neve Yerushalayim or Mayanot. Since my brother is yeshivish and the Rabbi who was helping me preferred Never I decided to attend Neve. But, because of my age, I could only really be put into M.E. for being 18 and only post-high school. So I was a little disappointed to realize I may be one of very few people in my school who is really motivated and yearning to grow leaps and bounds in Jewish halacha and lifestyle. I'm going to go talk to one of my Rabbi's soon, but I still am wondering what do I say? I mean, I'm here because I want to learn, but how do I tell them I want to learn, but I don't know what exactly I'm looking to learn, and their classes just aren't what I'm looking for... Luckily, I have a tutor, so we'll go over Shabbos halacha, and from there I'll branch out. But I am still extremely unsure. It's like walking through a pitch black tunnel, knowing at the end there is light... but in the meanwhile your still blind so you keep walking.
Being Jewish is not easy. And as I said to a few friends: Israel is neither the country for sleep nor comforts.
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