Struggling With The Past

"Everyone follows someone, the question is who."

          I day dream a lot. I suppose this is not the biggest news flash. I'd describe myself as with my feet on the ground, but my head in the clouds (Matisyahu anyone?). But, I sit in class often wondering how I ended up here. It's a struggle everyday to reconcile my past and the future I'm walking into. While, I couldn't have ever dreamed of a brighter future after becoming religious, I still feel the negative effects of how I was raised creep up into the corners of my mind. 

         I wonder what I would say if I would sit face to face of the Reform movement Rabbis that I grew up with. This seems like an odd thing to ponder, but as I skim the web, I see a lot of anti-orthodox sentiment. Especially about the kiruv movement and how they "get you." I remember all the things I heard about the Orthodox movement and a lot of it bothers me. I sit here, now, keeping kosher and shabbos. I am a proud Jewish woman, with strong values, morals, and ideals having been instilled to me by both my parents and my new community, even though the specifics may vary and cross. But if I saw myself five, even ten years ago, when I was more influenced by what my parents and the leaders of my camps and shuls said, I would have been astonished to see me in a long skirt and keeping mitzvos. Why? I cannot claim that the rhetoric of the Reform movement was particularly neutral to the other movements. Choice through education, was their slogan, but what choice did I have if there was no Gd (well... maybe, there is, some said) and there was no Torah. I didn't open a chumash until I was thirteen years old, and pounding out the D'var Torah I gave at my Bas Mitzvah was the closest thing to learning Torah I ever did. How can thirteen years of being Jewish, and never knowing Torah outside a few Pirke Avos quotes be knowledge? And as I say this, I question what else they said about the Orthodox community. Love your neighbor, but not your fellow Jew? 

          The Orthodox Jews, they said, are oppressive and backwards and everything in between. While I stand to prove them wrong, as my life style choice is neither oppressive nor backwards, I still can't stand to see such a huge portion of them so judgmental. None of this is in malice towards my past or the Reform movement, but I keep day dreaming in class, what if I was thirteen, or even eight, looking at myself now? I'd hate me. And this negative feeling that had been instilled in me at these ages were from communities that have never walked these shoes. It hurts to know the people from my past wouldn't accept me or even understand where I am, because they outright reject the life style I have chosen. Now, as many people tell me, I shouldn't be explaining myself to others, as I have no need to. But I can't help but wondering what I would of thought of MYSELF way back when. And I'm sure every one does this from time to time. 

          Luckily, one of the Rabbis substituting for one of my classes put an end to these negative thoughts by saying, "Everyone follows someone, the question is who." This statement put my mind at ease for an interesting reason. I was thinking that people wouldn't accept me for who I am today because I follow Hashem and try to do his will. I don't just believe, I do what I believe. Many people follow things that are of a much more destructive nature. Whether it be pop-culture (who has to look like whom) or a political figure (only human) or a number of other things, I have the benefit of telling people from my childhood that I follow Gd. This is the creator of the entire universe I'm talking about! Even if they think I'm being misled by following an "imaginary friend" I found so much comfort in the idea that even if they don't believe in my Gd, they are following something. And the fact I am following something that I think is so marvelous, so grand, so incredible, and so true, I am doing what is right. What is right by myself, by my culture, by what have you, I feel like I am being more honest with myself now, than I ever could of been without Gd. So, now when I look back and wonder what I would of said about myself currently, I know I would say I am happy and fulfilled. But hey, I'll deflect the question to the people who think that I may be backwards or wrong, or am being misled by a sly Kiruv movement. I ask of them, who or what do you follow? And is it making you happy and fulfilled in every aspect of your life?